Few days ago, i invited some girlfriends over for tea and cookies. Or cake, i hadn’t decided yet. I sent the invitation on Wednesday, in our group chat.
I hadn’t really any expectations, if one or maybe two out of the five wanted to come, i would be happy.
Well, they didn’t even reply. And, well, it didn’t suprise me. I already said that I expected one or two to come, but I just wished that one or two may want to come. The no reply, it hurt me!
I think part of the reason of their silence is they didn’t want me to get a straight no for an answer. The way i see it is that: a) they think i’m oversensitive b) i don’t really matter enough to them to get an answer. Case a, hurts my ego. Case b, hurts both my ego and my feelings.
I live in the suburbs. The occasional -and sometimes the only- visit of each one of my acquaintances leaves them with good impressions of their visit. My cakes and cookies are mostly delicious. I know they like me. I know they like the area; the scenery is beautiful. Upon departure they usually seem kind of refreshed. They occasionally ask me “when can we come to visit?” or “why don’t we see you more often?”. Yet, the very rare times I try to organize a get-together in the city center for a drink, it doesn’t work. More specifically, these girls are friends with each other. They are also friendly with me. We often talk how we should finally have a girls night out. Yet, I am excluded. I know i am a little on the outside. I don’t want to force myself in their close relationships. But we have a kind of colleague connection. We are friendly. So why don’t i deserve a denial? A vague comment of “i don’t know” or “i’ll check my schedule”?
I am often feeling lonely. I sometimes just want to go for a walk, have a beer, a glass of wine. Why is it so difficult? It’s not like they want to stay up late and i spoil the fun cause of my commute. It’s not like they have a long commute to get int eh way.
I am the kind of friend they seek to let their anger blow off, to trust a problem they can’t tell anywhere else and yet i ask too much waiting for a reply, longing for a walk or a beer.
I know we all have our lives. Our obligations. It just hurts when i see them responding and texting casually with others, whereas i am always afraid i come off as needy and fishing for attention when i ask for company. The old me lurks in the shadow searching for excuses to come back again.
It seems immature to be hurt by such a thing.
Yet, here i am, mooding over the late denial like a teen in a drama.
It is still difficult to be friends with girls.